10 signs you’re turning into a lazy shit, I mean, surfer

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There are a million reasons why you might find yourself in a non-surfing state of inertia. Inexcusable however is sheer laziness.

If you identify with four or more of the below points then there’s a good chance you’re becoming a lazy shit. Don’t delay. Take action now.

1. It’s too wet and windy to go surfing

In your teens and twenties you were up at dawn, chucking rocks at your mate’s window, frothing to get wet, come rain, snow or raging storms.  You had an intense drive to catch waves and would surf for hours even in the most miserable of conditions. Remember those old guys who padded down the sand in their booties when the water was 19 degrees? Are you becoming one of them? I hope so, because if you’re not padding down the beach regularly then this article is for you.

2. You’re getting a beer belly

Metabolism slows after 30 and the desire to drink 14 beers on a Saturday night slowly morphs into the desire to drink two beers every night. The difference is that back then you used to dance the beer off. Now you’re sitting on your lazy ass all day. Don’t suck in your gut and imagine you’re seeing a six pack. It’s gone and so are you if you slump into complacency!

3. Your board still has a layer of winter wax beneath the summer wax

If this rings true you’re doing a great disservice to yourself. Waxing up is part of the surfing ritual. It’s like a sharpening your blade before a Samurai fight. If your wax is dirty and smudged or combed into hard criss-crosses that you need a chisel to remove then you’ve waited too long. It may seem like a pain in the ass but of your former surfing self.

If you're doing this then you have too much time.
If you’re doing this then you have way too much time.

4. Your board is sporting duct tape that’s been on there for more than a month

Remember how your surfboard used to be a magical craft, your flying carpet, your most sacred possession? It’s a sad day when it is left gathering dust in the garage and gets upstaged in the possession pecking order by a remote control or an iPad. If your craft has cracks, repair it. It’s a meditative, psychologically empowering step, much like a fresh wax job. In fact, why not get some Solares and sandpaper this weekend and dedicate one hour to getting your board back in shape. You’ll be pumped when you see the next swell on its way, guilty conscience be gone.

5. You have a GoPro mount and a new GoPro but have only surfed twice this year

GoPros are what people give to each other as gifts when you’re over 30. Don’t be the kook capturing average footage of average waves, with a very average set of jowls hanging in super high def across that fisheye as you struggle to work out the controls. Surf first, find your flow, then record it (if you have to). Don’t be a hero.

6. You watch ASP comps online more than you actually surf

It doesn’t matter how good Gabs and KS got Chopes if you’re only surfing Aspworldtour.com and / or porn sites. If you check the surf report and don’t bother even when it’s three foot and clean then there’s a problem. People say they don’t have time but it’s all about priorities. Could you get up an hour earlier, work an hour less, or cut your tv habit on the weekend? Einstein, Miranda Kerr and Kelly Slater have the same number of hours in each day as you do, they just choose to use them differently.

7. You haven’t watched a surf DVD in ages

You watch two minute web clips because they’re easy and fast, just like the food you eat. Actually when last did you read a surf book? Immersion in cultural expression will get you stoked. Remember how you used to soak up surf DVDs when you were a kid? .

8. You consider non-surf holidays a viable option

Just say no. No matter how much your partner wants to go camping beside that pretty lake there’s compromise and there’s compromise. She fell in love with a surfer, now give her one. She’ll appreciate the passion. How about surprising her with flowers and a clean kitchen as a pre-holiday bribe?

Which would you choose?
Which would you choose?

9. Your kids are scared of the ocean and hate sand

Chuck those little gremlins into the nearest shore-dump. It’s good for their souls and yours.

10. You make that grampa “aaaah” sound when you sit down

Never make that sound. In fact do some squats right now. Then do some pop-ups to standing. Imagine you’re on a board and drop that back knee. Look up at the oncoming section, set your trajectory and unleash a huge fan of spray off the top before a silky smooth semi-free fall back down the face. Check out the lip…oh shit, it’s gonna throw… steady, stroke the face, stall and savour the view from the inside.

That’s the spirit… Comfort is the most dangerous place you can be, for comfort is the thief of time. Throw yourself back out into the elements, catch as many waves as your shoulders allow, use your body and lose your mind.

Be alive and don’t settle for a life you didn’t dream… yet.